Here I am.... better off. In a healthier relationship. Happier. In love again... It can be done. You can get out.
10 years.... 10 years ago this month that I declared my freedom.... 10 years ago that I stood up & said "No More!" I can't believe that it has been this long. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes it feels like another lifetime.
Here I am.... better off. In a healthier relationship. Happier. In love again... It can be done. You can get out.
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One day into the new year I received a call from my oldest. He said that he got a text from my ex stating that I defrauded him out of money & we was going to go to the state to get it fixed.
We've been divorced for 8 1/2 years. ..... EIGHT AND A HALF YEARS!!! I thought I was through with dealing with this man... but apparently not. He has not let tings go. He is still fixating on me. I must say, I am very disturbed. I am so nervous & constantl looking over my shoulder. What on EARTH is going on in his head?? What is he planning on doing? When he finds out I DIDN'T lie & I DIDN'T defraud him out of a dime, what will he do then???? From online Psychology Today:
"Resentments embody a basic choice to refuse to forgive, an unwillingness to let bygones be bygones and bury the hatchet. We review and rehash our painful past, even as we profess to want to let go of it. We do so because we believe the illusion that by belaboring our resentment, we will somehow achieve the justice we believe we are due. We cling to a futile need to be "right," which overrides the capacity to heal and be at peace with ourselves. We hang on to perceived offences because we don't know any other way of coming to grips with painful feelings of hurt, rejection, and abandonment. We need to learn to let go of resentment, because living with it can only bring us chronic punishment and pain, and prevent us from building up other relationships based on love, nurture, and support. Letting go of a resentment is not a gift to the person you resent. It is, rather, a gift to yourself." I'm hurting myself & I'm hurting my marriage. I need to let go of my past. Wow, it's been a long time since I've written in here. So much has happened.
First of all, I finally get to rebuild my credit! It's been long enough that I was not only approved for a car loan, but I was also approved for a credit card! Woo-Hoo! Time to get rid of all the bad credit caused by my ex. Second, things are going well in my marriage. I'm learning how to fight. Yes, all couples fight, but I'm finally learning that not all fights end with someone hitting the other person or someone not walking out & leaving the other person. We fight, we get over it, we move on. It's still a work in progress, but I don't panic as much as I used to. Third, I'm nowhere NEAR as paranoid as I used to be. Does my ex still show up in an occasional dream & scare me? Yup. However, it doesn't happen as much as it used to. It's fairly rare these days. That's also a good feeling. I'm more relaxed & learning how to express myself again. This is really kind of cool! Well, my ex hasn't really had much contact with my oldest. My son is still wanting attention from hin, but starting to also realize what a jerk the man is. Last month my son was injured & broke his knee cap. As he was on the phone with BioDad (telling him about the injury, surgery, etc), my son said there was a loud noise and he asked BioDad what it was. BioDad said a plane just went overhead & then started blabbering on about what kind of plane it was, etc etc etc. My son was not impressed that BioDad couldn't be bothered to hear about what was going on in his own life.
Well.... I'm getting payments from my ex on his Child Support. I'm SHOCKED!
(He's not paying what he's ordered to pay a month.... I'm not shocked at that. However, I am surprised at the amount he IS paying. I figured he would either ignore it or just pay $5/mo to keep from getting arrested. I was told that when he was first served he said, "If they want my money, they have to come & take it." ) Now, every time I see a notification that a payment has been made, my heart stops & I still get nervous. I'm still waiting for something bad to happen from all of this.... I now have an official account with the State to collect child support. It feels odd to see the electronic page showing all the dates & payments owed. Still.... waiting.... to see what happens....
I put my big-girl panties on. I've filed for child support. I'm scared of repercussions... but my kids deserve more. So now I wait.....
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AuthorAll I can say is, there are a LOT of personal feelings in these blogs. Feel free to read them & leave comments. You will see my thought processes & how my emotions have evolved over time. Archives
October 2017
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